You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
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