also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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