i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
