somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
