This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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