Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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