Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
so let's talk penis.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
