I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
