Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Randomize
