I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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