Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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