Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
