What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
