My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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