Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
