Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
We're like a lot better than the average bears
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
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enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
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