wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
My vagina is very pro this idea
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