i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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