what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Randomize
