Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
