At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
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He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
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I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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