I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
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i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
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Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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