Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
