um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
