I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
