I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
