I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
