the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
