the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize