you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
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sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
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He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
as a side note pls kill me
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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