I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
