I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
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