I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
