Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
They are going to name an STD after you.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
