i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
