I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Michael Bay diarrhea
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Randomize
