after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
