i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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