Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
