I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
