so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
