There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
