The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
