i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
