I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
