You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
