so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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