I'm eating all of the evidence.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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