Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
you have to choose: penises or morals?
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
