that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize