I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
