she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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