Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
This is classic penis vs brain.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
