I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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