My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
