I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
