Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
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