Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
